writing from the edge {combo of fire + water}

The following is a writing example of my own Own The Edge :: elements.  I took a couple things from my fire week and something from my water week and I merged them, revised, word doodled, cut, added, shifted. And then there is this and this is actually a sorta love letter to my husband.  Always facinating to see what comes from Owning The Edge as well as allowing our voices to be heard through memories evoked by nature's rhythm.

:: I Trust Her ::

Do you remember that time? When we didn’t care what the sign said and camped at that beach in Malibu anyway? The one we met at months before? Me with no shirt and you with no cares, no weight on your back, just a sack of freshly caught fish? We knew we wouldn’t get caught because we were invincible, and we just wanted to be that close to the edge of Her waves.  We wanted her to pull us out far in the undertow, get thrown around and lost in her wet mystery. The moon was unapologetically full, kind of like it is tonight. As full as the howl growing in our guts. We were totally lost & too young to be wise and yet seemingly more Home than we are now.

Do you remember that kid that came walking by and tried to help us light our fire with a can of fuel and we told him no, no fuel, just matches and he got it but said wasn’t sure why we wanted to do it the hard way.  We always seemed so ready and inspired to do things the hard way, then and now.  {But now I want easy, empty, careless, nothing. I’ll take some fuel over just matches.}

Do remember how he gave us crystals? Amethyst glowing with shades of purple unseen before and inside its little purple belly it had a tiny white baby crystal baby inside it.  And lapis, a tiny piece of earth-like lapis-  the blues and whites and golden strands in dance- and he pressed it against my forehead and his blue eyes sliced my soul.  And some citrine, as gold as the sun, and he pressed into your palm for a long time and you totally let him.  His stare was marrying us, a cememonious encounter that probably changed our lives. Who knows.

I don’t know what's happened to any of the crystals.  Things have gotten lost along the way or I’ve given them wrapped in silks + strings for celebrations and offerings of love. What I remember most about that guy was that he came for us then to remind us about something now.  A rewind to a fast-forward or  a fast-forward to a rewind.  I wish I knew what it was.  

{Something tells me right now is when his gift is to be unwrapped.}

Do you remember how you asked me to dance after he walked away and disappeared in the dark fog of the shoreline? The side of that rock wall facing us, the same wall were during the day people climbed for endurance, but then it was just strong in the moonlight, waiting for my body to flash and move against it. 

It was my shadow, huge, dark, spinning, shy, not too sure of what you thought but I danced anyway because you asked and because I loved the movement of cold air pressing into my bare skin and the sand holding my balance under my feet.  I loved my hips, the shape of the myth of my body dancing, shadowing against the lighter shade of dark stone. You stared. Mesmerized.  Adoringly.  You watched it with passion and longing, as my long dark arms went over my shapeless head reaching up and down.  As my hips moved back and forth and around and around, closer to the grains of ground.   You never looked at me once, only my shadow as it danced part melconcholy part joy. It was dark. As it is now.  I still have that shadow.  Can you still see it? 

Do you remember how we woke up so early in the morning with the sun and I was sure the ocean had come and swept us away and we were far off on another land, another place, the place we were meant to be forever with babies coming through and eating mangos all day long?  But instead we peaked outside the tent and we were there, same spot, some surfers, a couple fisherman.  We started a morning fire the hard way. We heated up some coffee. We bathed in the ocean and ate fruit and held those crystals and that dancing shadow somewhere in our hearts and drove back down PCH, back to life.

* * *

There are times when I just don’t trust the woman from back then.  Her force of magic, her unhidden wildness and uncontainable essence almost scares me. Who was she? She was going all the way regardless of who did or didn’t approve.

The world hadn’t gotten to that women yet, empty womb and only the dreams of seeds being watered.  The world was far away and she was the center of everything she knew. 

And really, on second thought ::  I trust her more than I trust me now.  She was forgiving of herself because she made some awful mistakes, burned them down and kept their ashes as a reminder in her pocket as she walked on.  She was undaunted by drama and events of the hurricanes of wind and water.  She sat out on dark nights and howled in high heels, dark liner, vintage scarves, shaking demons off her back and buying fabulous bags with her hard earned money.  She was red velvet love and green velvet couches. She was dark leather lust.  She was messy hair and Sunday afternoon hikes alone high on kush herb.  She was your lover, the world’s lover. Fully committed.

I can’t betray her now.

I can’t deny her intuition when she {of all amazing people} chose you, a partner for life.  She might have been crazy and young and unknown in the world, but she held something:: the freedom to intuit her own karma & bring it on in hard.  She asked for salvation through love and then you walked out of the sea with the same joy + pain in your eyes and lust for life that she did.  She asked and you came.  In her choice of you, I have to believe.  She really was wise beyond her years.



* * *

My evolution is hardly about myself.  I am a soul united with another, my evolution is with relationship, marriage, community.   My salvation is through loving.  This is what I trust about that woman of 15 years ago. She knew this. The wound is exactly the means to the heal.  If we carry the wounds :: ancestral + present wounds that bind the partnership, how profound will that healing be? So fucking profound. Insane evolution. BOOM. Just like that. Together. Freedom. Rising up. Love wins. Always.