step outside your doubt. protest your fear.

Step outside your doubt. Protest your fear.

I spent a lot of my years doubting my ability to create. To be an artist. Because I thought it meant being good at it, being outstanding, being mind blowing. Being super cool. Getting paid to do it. Having insane amounts of confidence. And wearing awesome clothes.

I have always created. But I hid my work because it was a mess. I felt it was a mess. I felt it was awful and ugly and made no sense. I doubted every last word. I feared that I wasn't made to do this.

And then there were years where I didn’t create, because it was such a mess, and I couldn’t stand anything that came out of me {oh if I could turn back time...} and I was scare I was wasting my time and resources and that whatever it was I was doing wasn't really worth my time... 

When I did get back to writing and making art, all the rules that I learned in school got shot out the window, not on purpose, but just organically, just because if I was going to sit down and do this I was going to do it my way. I didn’t have time for rules. Because I was writing from my body, I was writing from a place that wasn’t truly conscious. I was writing untamed. Because that is what my soul needed- for peace, for healing, for evolution. I could not be bothered with making sure it was right or that it even sounded right. I couldn't even question if it had worth. It had to have worth {to me}.  I had to trust that it was an action, an act, a process, a ritual, my self care, my healing. A place to unwind and be totally feral in a world that was constantly trying to tame and me and stuff me into a box.

There are different paths of devotion and healing and coming back home to your body. We all have our ways.

We all find our own way. I fiercely and consistently believe that. 

And some of us are here to make a mess {I know I am}. To create a beautiful, unruly, divinity inspired, flesh instigated, heart exploded, deliciously feeling mess of art. I believe we are all here born into this world as artists and we all learn to express it in our own way. There is no terms or definitions here, it's that we came here by creation and we came here to continue creation. Maybe like me you can’t draw a perfect human hand or capture the eyes on a face. Maybe you forget grammar and say fuck it to spelling. Maybe you just like to dance regardless of your size and shape or choreography, but dance because the sweat and sound and vibration of your hips winding around convince you that you are making magic into the air. Maybe like me, you just like to sit down and let your spirit pour out any way it wants to, apologetically. Unconditionally. Without reason or cause. Or maybe you like to make lines and lists and and having match up. Maybe you are thoughtful and careful. And that is right, too. You get me?

There are so many rules in this world. There are so many laws. There are so many definitions and regulations and paperwork and check lists. So many things we have to do the “right” way.

But this is not the case with art. Or with creation. There is no way to do it but exactly the way we do it. There is no rulebook. No guidebook. There is only you. And you. And what you feel like doing. And that is exactly it. 

I know you feel like you are not good at it. Me too And you feel it isn’t for you, that you can’t create. Or your analytical mind works overtime. Or that maybe you don't have time and being an artist or writer is for the privileged few?  That your life is jam packed and you must survive and work and feed and clean and sleep? Yes, I know that, very well. And so I steal time. Middle of the night. Early in the morning. When I am suppose to be doing something super boring. And you can too. Maybe your need to keep things organized and neat makes it impossible for you to let go fully and create? Your OCD have the best of you? Yeah, me too, me too.  You scared of what will come out? Are you a little frightened to see yourself in a formless, shapeless, way? The stories and the words might burn into your heart and sting a lot, the colors might be nameless and you will get lost.  But there will be truth. I can promise you that. There will be some truth within each moment you breath out into the making, writing, creating.

This is how we get closer to ourselves. This is how we connect. To our hearts. And in some ways, how our truest heart can connect to others.

Fear and doubt and the only things in your way.

Step outside your doubt. Protest your fear.

See it like a cage. And the cage door is wide open. You are a wild animal, fur and fangs and claws and gorgeously shifting eyes.  You have permission to leave the cage and enter an unknown territory where anything goes, where you rule the domain, where you just move to create a new life and every move you make is bringing you closer to freedom. You now are untamed. The leash is gone. No matter who you are or what you do, you get the right to leave the cage and make what you want, with nobody holding you back. 

This is YOUR RIGHT. To be free to create. Who cares if it’s good or looks good or is spelled right or you break every grammar rule or you say things that you cannot believe you would ever say? Who cares if you crack open and shine your light so bright that you get so addicted to what is made and you just want to keep going and going and you spend every last dime you have on paint. Who care if you crack open and ooze out the darkest shadow there ever was and it’s so mysterious and intense and scary that you have to keep going, because you know it’s guiding you back home, to you, to your riotess heart, to your artist’s soul, to the illuminated truth of you.

Step outside your doubt. Protest your fear. You are a creator. Now create.