the devil.

The other day I was hiding in the woods across the street from my house smoking tobacco {I roll it myself. i don't know why i feel i have to always say that. like it makes it better, i guess}. I was hiding. Because I was disgusted. Because smoking is gross. And I don’t do it a lot, but when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I tend to find myself in the tobacco shop buying a loose bag of the stuff and then hiding. Because. Gross. And the kids. And unhealthy. And all the things, right? 

I am not addicted. Not to tobacco at least. Not physically. But emotionally. I am addicted to a need, a desire, a longing. Something that is behind the smoke.

I can easily say no. My body doesn’t freak out in withdrawal.  But I don't say no. I say yes. Because I want it. I am addicted to the want. I am addicted to the chain.

There are a lot of things that live in me like this. Where I know it’s not the best. Where I know something needs to change, to shift, to transform. And no matter how obsessed I can be with trying to transform, sometimes nothing really works.  To kick the shit out of me often takes a lot, something seismic. Something powerful. Sometimes something extremely dark. Because when we are chained, we are chained.

I have chains. Lots of them. 

Chains that attach me:

Being right.

Being wrong.

Being good enough.

The idea that my intuition is off.

That I make the wrong choices.

That people don’t really like me.

To conflict + lust and  mixture of those too together like fire and blades across my skin.

To sugar, in all it’s shapes and forms, late at night, eating my gut apart.

Late nights. Way late nights. Being a vampire. Refusing my body the sleep. Forcing myself to stay open eyed and waiting for something.

To love. But not the good love. Or the bad good kind of love. The kind they warn you about.

The pain of love.

The struggle of love.

The slice broken heart.

Not breathing enough.

Not making enough money.

The idea of always not having enough money.

Lack + scarcity.

Not believing in my path.

Refusing to work on clarity. Because I don’t believe I know how to get clear. Because I am chained to a subtle, constant fog.

To coffee. Like not just because I like it. But because i cannot even function in the morning with out. Or even now. I need dark as dirt coffee to write. This is what I tell myself. And I will get up, and not finish this, and make coffee instead.

To systems of beliefs that I feel are superior to me. That feel like they weigh me. Pull me. Stop me. 

To prudence. Just too much. Of a good thing.

To righteousness. Because my fist is up. And mouth open. Sometimes too much,

To guilt.

To anger.

To aggression.

To anxiety.

To depression.

To a deep sadness of the world. The ache in the core. 

My white fragility.

Ancient and expired ingrained beliefs. 

All these things. And many more. Are stories I tell myself. That I don't like. That I feel that I cannot stop. That I feel like it’s some kind of bad karma, from the realm of lust and bottom earth burnt gravel. That they own me. That I live behind them. Under them. They keep me down. Unable to breathe or make changes in my life.

And then also I know. It’s all an illusion. Purely. Illusion.

It’s all the process of life. Of the balance of self judgment and self discernment. It's not all bad. It's not all good. It's mostly just a dance. Because as soon as I realize there are no chains. That I can make choices. That I can conjure the energy I need to stand up. To push up. To release the stories, I can shift. As soon as I realize the chains are the stories, none of it matters much anymore anyway.

This is the energy of the devil. The longer we think we are chained to what stops us, hurts us, lowers us to vibrations of the Heavy, the longer we stay there, telling ourselves these stories about ourselves. And believing them.

It does not take a lot to see the chains that are around our necks are not really connected to anything much at all. I mean it feels like. They feel real. And tight. But they are not.

The one True Master of your life is You. 

That even with our primal addictions. Our taste for lust. For blood. For matter and flesh. For money and gold. For revenge. For booze. For smokes. For recklessness. For self sabotage. For co-dependence. For love that is just wrong. For all the darker sides of our being.  

We can enjoy all that we are. All that we like to do. All that we like to make. Take. Feel. Ingest. But we get to master it. Or be master to it. 

We get to decide the volume of our temptations. 

This is The Devil Card. 

The Devil is about the material world and the chains it can so easily claim us with. It is about lust, power and abuse. It isn’t about stopping yourself from fully enjoying the flesh of the material world. And maybe it’s about not enjoying it enough. Maybe The Devil Card is here to ask you step closer to the fire. Or maybe it’s here to remind you, you are not chained to anything, you are free, you are balance. The Devil card is also about consciousness. We are the control. We are the bosses of our actions. We get to choose active consciousness. We get to act on our wants- not our wants acting upon us.


The Devil Card is here to remind us: we are in charge. we are not servants to anything or anyone. we can serve. but we make choices. we get to call the shots. we get to own our lives. 

If you are interested in diving fully into the magic, energy + archetype of The Devil Card, we begin on September 1st and go until September 10th. 10 full days of The Devil. Who is he? What does he want from you? Why do you stay so close to him? How can you step away? Who really is the master of your life? This experience is for:

*card readers

*card lovers



*those obsessed with transformation

*those who love writing, ritual, meditation

*those who love telling stories

*those who just want to know more

*those who want to go deeper

*those who aren’t scared of a little fire

*those interested in alchemy and ancient spiritual practices

*those who want a safe place to explore their own primal wants and to practice balancing living in the real deal flesh on earth with spirit + soul.